I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
