and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
