does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
