If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
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