Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Damn victory sex feels great
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