dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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