News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
