So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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