I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
