Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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