I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
