I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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