i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
