True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
