So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
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