He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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