she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
