so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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