I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
