OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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