she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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