Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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