I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
