just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
