And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
