Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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