morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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