So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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