Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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