there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
