He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
My room smells like vodka and shame
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
