Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
