I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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