So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
