so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm gonna fight the coyote
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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