It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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