Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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