I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
