I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
