Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
he's gonorrhea incarnate
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
