I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
