whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
