Please, let me fuck your mom
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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