If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
