Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
