I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
