you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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