No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just found a bag of teeth...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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