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So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
