it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We talked him into tasing himself.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
